Wife Swap: Homeworld vs Crystal Gem Edition
by Akirys
Summary: My personal take on the "Momswap" AU: Whole episode have been rewritten, with Garnet, Amethyst, and Pearl swapped with Jasper, Lapis Lazuli, and Peridot. Completed with "Giant Woman!"
1. Gem Glimmer

**A/N: I have been challenged by RedLion14 to write entire episodes of SU with the Crystal Gems swapped with the Homeworld Gems. The first one? Gem Glow! Depending on RedLion's next suggestions, there will be more episodes to come. Which ones, well, I can't say.**

 **Disclaimer: My role model Rebecca Sugar, not me, owns Steven Universe. This episode was brought to you by the transcript of Gem Glow on the Steven Universe wiki, allowing me to write without watching the episode forty-six times.**

~*Q*~

A scream shook the interior of the Big Donut.

"How could they do this!" Steven Universe yelled, hitting the side of an empty freezer with a clenched fist. "It has to be a dream! It has to be!"

"Calm down, man," Lars, one of the shop's two cashiers, said, pulling the furious boy away. "They're just Cookie Cats. Don't get so worked up about it."

"Just Cookie Cats?" Steven repeated in disbelief. "They're only the most unearthly-ly delicious ice cream sandwich ever made! Don't you humans have _laws_ for this?"

"You could try Lion Lickers," Lars' partner-in-crime, Sadie, ventured. "They're basically the same, but -"

Steven groaned. "Lion Lickers! Nobody likes them. The gems always told me there was something weird going on with your kind, replacing an innocent brand of cat. Humans, I'll tell you what!" He gave the freezer an angry kick.

"Stop, you'll break it!" Sadie blurted. Last time he'd gotten mad at something, he accidently put a hole in the donut display case.

"Why're you so strong?" Lars grumbled. "Your magic belly button?"

"That's not how it works, Lars," Steven insisted, pulling up his yellow shirt (centered with a black triangle). "But I'd know if I could get it to work! Argh!"

"Tell you want - you can take the freezer home," offered Sadie. "Then you can kick it all you want. You know, take some of that excess anger out."

"Fine," Steven decided, picking up the freezer with ease.

~*Q*~

Steven went straight home. Limit your socialization with the flesh people, Peridot always warned.

Their home was a small beach house, overlooking the ocean, that nestled into a cliff. The cliff itself was shaped like a giant woman with multiple sets of arms. Her hands beckoned to Steven as he jogged up the sandy trail to the door. There was a stream of water trickling through the crack under the door, but that wasn't a big surprise. Lapis thought many problems could be solved by flooding the house.

"Guys -" As soon as he stepped inside, a green buglike monster lunged at him. He pushed at it with both hands. "Gah!"

A wave swept over the bug, washing it away. "Steven, be careful!" Lapis chided, forcing the monster's head underneath the water that swirled around her ankles.

"What are these things?" Steven asked, fascinated.

"Corrupted gems," Peridot said in disgust, trapping one in her fingers. "I call them centipeedles. They must up have been trying to get into our stuff in the temple."

"I'll fight them!" Steven declared. A centipeedle spit acid at him, and he squeaked and danced out of the way.

Lapis turned on the kitchen sink to give herself more ammo. "Jasper, these bugs don't have gems."

"So there's gotta be a mother to smash somewhere nearby," Jasper grunted. She slammed her fist down and poofed a monster into dust.

"We should track it down before it causes any damage to this sorry ecosystem," said Peridot.

"Can I come?" Steven asked hopefully.

"Steven, until you learn to control your powers, we're the ones that'll do all the monster-fighting." Peridot sliced off a centipeedle's head. "Capiche?"

"Aww." A punch from Jasper sent a monster flying into the fridge, and Steven ran towards it, shouting, "I got this one!" The injured bug evaporated, leaving the freezer door swinging on its hinge.

As he went to close the door, he noticed something. "No way...Cookie Cats! How did you get these?"

"Well," Peridot said, "we usually use them for incentive during your training exercises, and when we heard they were facing termination -"

"We stole some because we love you!" Lapis said.

"Clearly for training purposes only," Peridot corrected. "But yes. We stole them."

Jasper mopped up the last of the Centipeedles. "All my idea, of course!"

"It was everyone's," Lapis said.

"Nope. Am I your favorite or what, kid?"

"All that matters is that Steven's organic needs are sufficiently provided for," Peridot sniffed. Lapis and Steven shared a _she'll-admit-it-someday!_ wink.

Suddenly, Steven felt giddy, like his admittedly self-repressed inner child was waking up. "Ohhhh…"

" _Please welcome the all-new Cookie Cat!_

" _Eighty-four grams of sugar and fat!_

" _An exile from an interstellar war, but now he's at your local grocery store!_

" _Cookie Cat! He's a super unhealthy treat!_

" _Cookie Cat! Still pretty fun to eat!_

" _Cookie Cat! He has no family anymore!_

"Cookie Caaaaat!" Steven finished his rap with, "Now available at Gurvhen's off route 109," mimicking the human commercials he'd seen.

The Gems clapped politely.

"Well done," Jasper said. "I see you're learning to blend in with the flesh people."

"I think it was wonderful!" Lapis beamed as she drained water off the floorboards (a more common task than you'd think).

"They really are tasty," Steven said fondly. "They make me feel...kinda comfortable, you know? I'll save them forever! After I eat this one." He opened a cookie and took a big bite. Peridot turned away with a grimace. "Mmm!"

Suddenly, a yellow glow lit the kitchen. Everyone gasped, including Steven, who nearly choked.

"Steven," cried Lapis, "it's your Gem!"

"Summon your weapon!" Jasper barked.

"I don't know how!" Steven panicked. "What do I do?"

"Relax…" Peridot ordered. "Quit forcing it!"

The glow faded away, and the Gems sighed collectively.

"I was close that time…" Steven whimpered. "Can't one of you just explain how to summon a weapon?"

The Gems looked at each other. None of them retained that skill set.

"Look, Steven…" Peridot said. "Take a walk with me."

~*Q*~

Peridot led Steven to her favorite spot, an out-of-the-way hillside with a strange machine adorning it. It was a shed/giant hollow computer cobbled out of all the mechanical parts Peridot had scavenged.

"Steven, look at this stuff," Peridot said. "Beautiful, ain't it?"

"I guess?" Steven said.

"And look at me," Peridot continued. "I'm equipped with all the top-of-the-line technology they had during the war. Sleek design! Well-protected gem! Floating fingers! You can do anything with what I'm packing. And this machine here seems like junk, but it's got biiiig hopes and dreams." She patted her computer fondly. "My point is, kid, machines are versatile. What can you do with a mace or a sword, hit something a buncha times? No thanks! You don't need a weapon. Just use what you've already got, including your brains!"

Steven nodded slowly.

~*Q*~

Lapis and Steven met at the beach. "Did Peridot tell you the thing about machines?"

"It's useful, Steven said, picking up a piece of driftwood. "Instant weapon! Kapow!"

"Nah," Lapis said, shaking her head. "When you need your weapon, you just do it. It's natural, like the rhythm of the waves. Feel it in your very being, and…" Lapis' wings stretched out of her back, glistening in the sun. "I don't know what I'd do without these."  
~*Q*~

Steven was watching Jasper train, which meant beating up various objects around town. Today, it was the dumpsters by the Big Donut. "So I'm supposed to use my weapon but not rely on it."

"Hrg," Jasper grunted. "Or...you could empower yourself with the strongest energies in the universe. The need to _fight_ and _destroy_ and _win!"_ Channel the collective power through your Gem and -" Her helmet appeared, and she headbutted the dumpster in half. "OBLITERATE!"

Lars ran outside and dropped his trash bags. "Again?!"

~*Q*~

The Gems were back in the kitchen. "I'm gonna try recreating the last time my Gem glowed," Steven said. "So...Lapis, you were turning the sink off, like this."

"I don't see why not," Lapis said.

"And, Peridot, your face was all grossed out, like this…"

"Steven, it doesn't work this way," Peridot complained, her voice muffled, as Steven stretched her cheeks around.

"And, Jasper, you were leaning against the counter. No - sassier. There!" Steven admired his handiwork. "Okay, what did I do? Right, took a bite of a Cookie Cat. And I sang a song first. Ugh, I don't want to sing again!" The boy slumped. "This isn't going to work."

"Well, of course it's not," Peridot reasoned.

"But you're Steven! You're a Gem! You'll figure something out!" said Lapis. Steven brightened a bit.

"Yeah...and even if I don't have powers, I've still got Cookie Cat!" He took another bite of the treat, and as he chewed, something appeared in a flash of yellow light.

Peridot's mouth opened in shock. "Steven...it's a sword!"

Sure enough, a sword was hovering right in front of him. It was long - the same height as Steven himself - and bright yellow, with a thin rhombus-shaped blade. The hilt had triangles at the top and base, plus an argyle pattern etched into it. Steven cried out, causing the sword to rocket forward and bury itself in the wall.

"Cookie Cats…" Steven said in wonder. "That's it! I summon my weapon by eating ice cream!"

Peridot picked up the discarded weapon with an expression of distaste. "What's _in_ these things?"

Suddenly, the house rumbled. The Gems turned as the shadow of an enormous centipeedle crawled up the window.

"The Mother," Jasper snarled, leaping towards it.

"Steven, stay right there!" Lapis ordered. She flew outside with Peridot right behind her.

"No way, I'm coming too!" He grabbed the freezer, stuffed several Cookie Cats inside, and ran out the door.

Meanwhile, the Gems had taken refuge behind one of their Temple's hands. The Motherpeedle spat a continuous stream of acid, slowly eroding the rock away. "A weapon we could throw at it would be _really_ nice about now," Peridot noted.

"Hey!" A pebble hit the giant centipeedle in the neck. "Leave them alone!"

"Steven, _no!"_ Lapis and Peridot cried. Jasper dodged out from the shelter of the rock, attempting to close in on the monster, but its tail lashed out as the Motherpeedle's attention was drawn to Steven, and Jasper was knocked to the ground.

"Gem powers, activate!" Steven stuffed a Cookie Cat in his mouth and raised his shirt. Any minute now, he should be seeing that yellow glow…

But nothing happened. Steven began to retreat. "Uh…"

"We need to save Steven!" Lapis said in a panic.

"Can we save _ourselves_ first?" Peridot retorted.

"I just...I just need more -" Steven crammed Cat after Cat into his mouth, but nothing work.

" _Steven!"_ The Motherpeedle's pincers attempted to snap Jasper in half, and she was forced to hold on to them before they tore her apart. Then it happened - a splash of acid melted the freezer into goo.

"No…" Steven realized what danger he was in. He was weaponless, helpless, in front of a Gem monster ready to melt him, just like his freezer - the one thing able to make him feel like a happy kid again. And now the freezer was gone.

He'd show the centipeedle that he was no kid.

"This is for COOKIE CAAAAAAT!" With a yell, Steven picked up the appliance, swung it around, and chucked it at the monster. He'd meant to hit it in the head and maybe knock it out, but it had an entirely different effect. The sparking freezer electrocuted the monster, which curled up with a scream.

"He did it!" Lapis cried.

"Now, Gems!" Jasper ran towards the Motherpeedle at full speed. "DESTROY!"

They all attacked the monster as one - even Lapis, whose weapon was more defensively based, went at it barehanded. In seconds, the giant bug exploded into dust. Peridot bubbled it carefully as Lapis and Jasper crowded around Steven.

The boy sat by a mound of dirt, where he had buried the last Cookie Cat wrapper. "That's it," he whispered. "I couldn't do it...I couldn't summon my weapon."

"At least you know your powers don't come from ice cream," Lapis remarked.

"Of course not," Jasper agreed. "That'd be stupid. You'll learn to activate your Gem for real no problem."

"And none of us will see it coming!" Peridot added.

Steven smiled wanly. "Thanks, guys. I just - I think I ate too many Cookie Cats."

The Gems laughed, and Steven threw up.

"That's _disgusting!"_ Peridot said.

~*Q*~

 **So how was that, RedLion? If you don't have any more challenges, I might (and hopefully will) continue this series by myself. It might go through the entire first season, but episodes WILL be skipped.**

 **If you'd like, give me episode suggestions; know that I probably won't have control over it, and don't bother suggesting "Jailbreak" or anything from Season 2 - at least not yet. With the Momswap comes not only different gems, but different character interactions, backstories, and plotlines. You might have noticed that Steven is no longer a naive ball of adorableness and sugar around other human beings. That comes with the territory when Yellow Diamond's in your blood. Additionally, being raised by the Homeworld Gems (Jasper especially) gives you a lot less time for fun and games. Steven had to grow up quickly. Despite this, this weird little family still very much loves each other. It's hard to imagine Jasper being fond of anything, making her a challenge to write.**

 **Finally, as soon as YD is properly introduced, the stuff surrounding her - especially having a sword as a weapon - will become VERY VERY NONCANON. Keep that in mind.**

 **Thanks for reading! Please feel free to leave a review - as you might have noticed, I'm not exactly a professional writer. Also check out my other SU stories, if you're interested.**

 **~*Akirys*~**


	2. Beacon Ray Rifle

**A/N Here I am with another edition of the swap challenge! Today, the episode is "Laser Light Cannon." You'll get to learn a little bit about the past...changes to characters ahoy, everyone!**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Steven Universe. Rewriting episodes like this is 100% not plagiarizing at all. Special thanks to the Steven Universe Wiki for their faithful transcriptions of the episodes.**

~*Q*~

It was sunset. Steven ran towards Beach Citywalk Fries with Lapis behind him. "Mr. Fry Person!"

Fryman, the proprietor, was just setting up shop. "Steven! We're closed."

"Come on!" He reached the counter, panting. "Just the bits?"

Lapis leaned over the counter. "You know you want to…"

Fryman stammered, then gave up. "Wait here." Steven and Lapis grinned at each other.

"You know, I can give you actual fries," Fryman remarked, scooping crispy potato bits out of a fryer. "Why don't you ever hang around town? My son's just about your age; he'd love to get to meet you."

"Just the bits, please," Steven said, dodging the last question. He accepted the bag and walked off, sharing with Lapis on the way.

"You seem pretty close with some of these humans," Lapis said mildly.

"Not really," Steven remarked. "If they try and make friends to me, I do what Jasper said, and then they leave me alone. But their food is nice."

Lapis was about to respond when something in the sky caught her attention. Her fries fell out of her mouth. "Oh no."

"What? Hey!"

Lapis picked up Steven and ran.

~*Q*~

"This sucks," said Jasper.

"This thing is huge!" Peridot added, eyeing the sky through a telescope formed from her fingers. "I've never seen one of these so big!"

"Jasper! Peridot!" Lapis came running up with Steven tucked under arm.

"We saw," Peridot said grimly. " _Some_ of us don't forget about the rebels out for our blood."

"What is it? Can I see?" Steven asked. Peridot wordlessly handed him the fingerscope. "Woah! It looks like...a giant eyeball! Are we gonna fight it?"

"We can't!" Peridot said. "It's a Yellow Eye. It's going to crash into Beach City and crush us, along with a bunch of oblivious humans!"

"What do we do?"

Jasper cracked her knuckles. "The only thing powerful enough to defeat it is one of Yellow Diamond's ray rifles."

"My mom?" Steven repeated.

"This would be so _easy_ if she were here," Lapis groaned.

"Well, she's not," Peridot snapped. "We'll have to find another solution."

"But if it belonged to Mom, maybe Dad knows where it is!" Steven said.

The Gems shared glances. "Steven, your dad's a mess," Peridot said.

Steven made a noncommittal noise. "But if Mom gave it to him, I'm sure he kept it somewhere safe."

"We can handle it, kid," Jasper insisted. "Lapis?"

Both Gems activated their weapons. Lapis picked up Jasper with difficulty, flew fifty feet upwards, and hurled her into the Yellow Eye. There was a defiant roar as Jasper sailed through the air and rammed her helmet into it. Then she fell into the ocean with a _plop._ The Eye was unscathed.

"I'll go find Dad," Steven said.

"Mhm," Peridot said absently, looking through her fingerscope again.

~*Q*~

"Dad! Dad!" Steven banged on the door of Greg's van, which was parked, as usual, near the It's A Wash car wash. There was no reply. "Daaaad!"

He climbed up onto the roof and jumped up and down, frustrated with human sleeping habits. "Wake up! We have to save the world!"

The car alarm went off. Greg burst out holding a metal instrument. "Who's there? I have a waffle iron!"

"Dad, it's me!" Steven cut in.

"...Steven?" Greg looked up, squinting. "Oh, it's you! C'mon down here!" Steven slid off the roof and hugged him, trying to shove down his unease.

It wasn't that Steven didn't love him, of course. The Gems had taken Steven as soon as he was born, but that didn't stop Greg from visiting him seven days a week and taking him on trips as much as could. As Steven got older, the Gems started to discourage this behavior. Steven viewed humanity with the same attitude as Lapis - unique, goofy organisms who clearly needed a stronger life form to keep them from falling down on the street and killing themselves. Lapis was the one who egged the Gems on most missions, because even if the rogue monster wasn't hurting them, what if it ran into a couple of humans? Jasper went along because she was bored, and Peridot only agreed because the monster might hurt the environment or population, and she wanted Earth to remain as nice as possible, considering that she was stuck here.

But as for the individuals of Beach City, Steven never really got to know them. He liked their food, sure, and Fryman, Lars, and Sadie got a few conversations out of him (Lars' method was to insult him until he had to retaliate). In the last year or two, the Gems kept him as far from Greg as possible. He wondered why his dad didn't hate him.

"So what are you doing here, schnooball?" Greg asked. "Just needed to see your old man, pal around, learn some lessons about life?"

"No!" Steven said quickly. "I need the ray rifle that belonged to Yellow Diamond! To blow up the eyeball!"

"Eyeball?"

Steven pointed. In the distance, Jasper flew toward it, screaming, and thudded against the

surface.

"Oh." Greg said. "Is that a magical thing? The Gems told me I'm not supposed to be

involved."

"But they need Mom's rifle. You've gotta know where it is, like in a dungeon or a fortress or a magic clam or a -"

Greg held up his hands. "Well, I dunno about all that. But you could check my storage shed."

~*Q*~

Steven looked at the shed in awe. "Look how crowded it is!"

"Been awhile since I've cleaned it out," Greg said fondly. "If that rifle's anywhere, it'll be here."

"If I'm going in there, I'll need some gear," Steven decided. He picked up a flashlight, tied a rope around his waist, and set off, careful not to knock anything over.

"How's it going in there?" Greg called.

"I think I found it!" Steven said. "Wait, no, it's a club. Do you golf?"

He could hear the shrug in Greg's voice. "I like to think of myself as someone who _would_ golf...eventually."

Steven kept searching. He found a drum, a yardstick, and a gun-like object that shot nothing but T-shirts. At one point he stumbled over a cardboard box filled with CDs. "Are these your old CDs?"

Greg chuckled. "I couldn't _give_ those things away. Back when I was a cafè performer, before I ran the car wash, I played those right here in Beach City."

"I know, Dad." Steven pretended to be exasperated, but he loved hearing stories about the past. He slipped one of the CDs in his pocket - maybe he'd play it later when the Gems weren't around.

"I played all the time, and no one stopped to listen. Until your mother, that is. I don't know what a tough-as-nails woman like her ever saw in a plain old dope like me." There was a crack as Steven accidentally put his weight on a picture frame. He raised his hand to see a picture of Greg next to a sharp-eyed woman who must have been Yellow Diamond. She was nudged her shoulder against Greg and smiling, which definitely turned her frankly quite intimidating face into something radiant.

"Dad? I broke a photo!"

"It's okay, bud," Greg called, ever cheerful. "If every porkchop were perfect, we wouldn't have hot dogs!"

And that was when a glow lit up the shed. Steven could clearly see the object emitting the light, half-buried under a pile of boxes. "It's the rifle!" He pushed the junk off of it as the glow faded. It was a gun, basically, but more like a bazooka - six inches in diameter, as tall as Greg, and with orange diamond-shaped patterns adorning the base.

"You found it?" Greg was already reeling in the line. "Bring it on out here!"

~*Q*~

In the passenger seat, Steven held the weapon on his lap. It extended all the way into the trunk of the van. Greg drove, and with every bump, the ray rifle banged against the dashboard.

"Will it be okay?" the half-Gem wondered. Greg shrugged.

Steven glanced up at the sky. The Eye was enormous, washing everything in yellow light. "It's getting close. We should hurry!"

"I am!" Greg stepped on the gas, but any faster and they wouldn't be able to make the hairpin turns.

Meanwhile, Steven examined the gun. "I don't see one of those push thingies anywhere."

"A trigger?"

"There's gotta be a way to activate it," Steven decided. "Maybe you need to sing to it?"

Greg blanched. "Me?"

"Yeah! Didn't you write a song for her?" He dug in his pocket and produced the CD from earlier. "I think this is it!" He put it in the player before Greg could protest. His voice filled the van:

 _I know I'm not that tall_

 _I know I'm not that smart_

 _But let me drive my van into your heart_

 _Let me drive my van into your heart_

It was a strangely peaceful scene; father and son sat in the car, relaxing to a love song written fifteen years ago, while an alien eyeball loomed above the city. They arrived at the beach and jumped out, not stopping to turn off the car, and the song played clear above the chaos.

Jasper was just washing back up onto the beach. "Throw me again! It's cracking!" She suddenly noticed Steven. "Is that -"

"The light cannon!" Lapis cried. "We're saved!"

The Yellow Eye's gravity began taking effect, as bits and pieces of the city broke away and were whipped towards it. The song ended, and the lightheartedness Steven was feeling was driven away by terror. He and Greg carried the rifle between themselves and pointed it up at the Eye.

"I can't activate this thing, it was Yellow Diamond's!" Peridot wailed.

"The Gem," Jasper realized. "Steven has Diamond's gem!" She reached over and stabbed the butt of the rifle into Steven's gut, clacking it against his belly button.

"Stop that!" Lapis said.

"It's no use," Peridot moaned. "Throw Jasper again!"

The gravitational pull intensified. Greg was forced to let go and save his van, which was

sliding towards the ocean.

Steven pounded on the rifle desperately. "Come on! Open, activate, please please please. Everyone's counting on you. You can't just be useless."

"Think positive!" Greg yelled. "Come on, we'll find another way. If every porkchop were perfect...!"

"Hot dogs," Steven said, his voice cracking. "That's it. If every porkchop were perfect we wouldn't have hot dogs."

The gun began to glow.

"It's working!" Lapis cried. When Steven had difficulty lifting the end of the rifle, the Gems crowded around to help.

"BRACE YOURSELVES!" Jasper yelled.

With an earth-shattering _boom_ the ray rifle fired. A beam of light far too big to fit through the opening blasted through the sky, forming an eight-pointed star which morphed into the silhouette of a spiky-haired woman. It crashed into the giant eye and shattered it almost instantly. The Gems and Greg watched, wide-eyed, as the yellowed sunset returned to normal, and large pieces of debris rained onto the boardwalk.

"Steven!" Lapis said in delight. "You just saved Beach City!"

"How did you get it to work?" Peridot wondered.

Steven shrugged. "I just said Dad's thing."

"The pork rind thing?"

"The hot dog thing."

Greg sniffled. "Diamond…"

The tide went in, water instantly up to their waists. They all started to laugh hysterically, until Greg's van was carried away.

"My van!" Greg cried, wading after it.

"It's okay, Dad," Steven said. "If every porkchop were - "

"I _live_ in there!"

And that was why, even though Steven saved the day, Lapis' hydrokinesis was the thing that _really_ saved the day.

~*Q*~

 **A/N And that's that! So yeah, Greg's backstory is different. His and YD's connection is even less love-at-first-sight than Greg and Rose Quartz's was, so he's now a cafe performer who stayed in Beach City and saw Diamond every day over a long period of time. But fear not, he's not really** ** _that_** **different. Originally, I thought being a musician was too goofy for Yellow Diamond to fall for, so he was going to be an archeologist digging up old Gem tech. Yup.**

 **Yellow Diamond is too cool for light cannons, and therefore prefers to blast everything with a bazooka. Just imagine everyone in her army being armed with one of these.**

 **By the way, the person who put me up to this challenge - RedLion14 - is now participating in it himself. This time, it was I who gave him an episode to start with! Be on the lookout for his first chapter.**

 **Reviews are appreciated! Next episode, coming up.**

 **~*Akirys*~**


	3. Taco Pack

**A/N: We're finally back! Did anyone else get those 503 Service Unavailable errors? I don't know if complaining to the site managers actually helped, but I was able to access my account about half an hour after I sent a message to them.**

 **Today's chapter is based off of "Cheeseburger Backpack," and it has perhaps the most changes of any episode to date - including ones that'll affect future episodes! By that, I mean "The Test" - you guys know those two are closely related. RedLion, am I gonna do that one?**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own SU, nor do I own the episode transcripts found on the Steven Universe wiki. However, I would dearly love to possess a red T-shirt with a star on it.**

~*Q*~

Steven sat on the beach and waited. He was nervous - frequently, he looked over his shoulder or at the ocean, listening for the distinctive chime of the Warp Pad activating. The Gems were away on a mission, but…

He spotted the mailman walking over the sand, and he jumped up and ran to meet him. "Mr. Post Person!"

The mailman blinked. "My name's Jamie."

"Jamie," Steven corrected, too excited to remember the Gem's rules of not associating with strangers. "Do you have a package for me?"

"Lemme see what I've got here," Jamie said, fishing through his bag. "Did you order a loaf of bread with a stamp on it?"

"...no."

"What about a jury summons for R.J. Finkle?"

"No! My name's Steven. Steven Universe."

"Ah, Steven, right right right." Jamie pulled out a package. "Here it is! Fresh from Wacky Sacks Supply Company!"

"Shh!" Steven looked around anxiously. "If the Gems catch me with this, they might get mad. See, if I disassociate myself from humanity, maybe they'll think I'm strong enough to go on a mission!"

Jamie blinked. "...That seems reasonable."

"But I really like this backpack, and it's about as silly and...human-y as you could get. I don't know what to do!"

"I do," Jamie suggested. "Sign here, please." He held out a clipboard with a pen attached to it.

Before Steven could sign it, a glow lit up the beach. He dropped the clipboard, grabbed his package, and ran, shouting, "Gotta go! Jasper, Peridot, and Lapis are back!"

"Wait, Steven!" the mailman cried. "Barb yells at me if I don't get signatures!"

Steven entered the house and edged along the wall, hiding his Wacky Sack. He was hoping to put it away before the Gems noticed it. Thankfully, they were engaged in an argument: "Lapis, we don't need that _thing!"_ Peridot complained, brushing feathers out of her hair.

Lapis was carefully cushioning a giant egg on the couch. "Yes we do! We can incubate it, and it'll hatch, and we can have a bird to fly you guys around and keep me company when I'm scoping out the fishing boats - "

Jasper sat on the couch. The egg exploded. Lapis was suitably horrified.

"Hello, Steven," Peridot said dully, while Lapis scrubbed raw egg off her dress. "We were just fighting a giant bird. We have to go back out in a moment."

"Can I come?" Steven said automatically.

"Yes."

"Aw, why no - _what?!"_

"We're going to test you," Jasper proclaimed, sitting up straighter. More cracking sounds ensued. "See if you're ready to go on a real mission. The test subject today is the Lunar Sea Spire."

"Crystal Gems used it as a kind of oasis here on Earth," Peridot said with a trace of disgust. "That's why we don't particularly care if you destroy it."

"Peridot!" Lapis scolded.

"What? He might."

"Anyways," Lapis said, showing off a small artifact, "we have to place this Moon Goddess Statue at the top of the spire. Can you handle it?"

Steven was already on the warp pad. "Let's go, let's go!"

~*Q*~

The Gems warped just outside of the Sea Spire. Steven, who wasn't particularly used to warp pads, fell onto the ground with an _oof._

"It wasn't this dilapidated a hundred years ago," Peridot marveled. "Those Crystal Engineers must have been seriously cracked."

"Let's move!" Jasper declared.

Steven was about to run after them when he became aware of something in his hands. The package! He hadn't realized he was still holding it behind his back.

No way the Gems wouldn't see him now...disappointed, Steven unwrapped it and put it on. Then he ran after Jasper and the others.

They noticed immediately, of course. "What _is_ that?" Peridot asked.

"It's a novelty backpack!" Ah well, might as well put on his _it's-the-best-thing-in-the-world!_ voice. "And it's shaped like a taco! See, you put stuff in it, and it's really useful...even the beans are a pocket!" He showed it off - soft corny outside, meat-and-sour-cream inside, the works. It had two straps on one side of the shell for him to slip onto his back.

They did what he feared: started laughing at him.

"Humans," Lapis giggled. "So inventive!"

"I thought you'd take this seriously," Jasper snorted. "Maybe we _should_ just take you ho -"

"No, wait! It can come in handy. I'll prove it to you guys!"

"Steven, we wouldn't really take you home on your big test," Lapis said warmly. "Even if you do have a useless human novelty item."

"It's not useless," Steven mumbled. Even if he felt suddenly very silly with a taco on his back.

"Not to interrupt," Peridot interrupted, "but I just scanned the cliffside. The magic sustaining that whirlpool down below will suck us down if you try to clear this jump." She indicated the cliff they stood on, then the spire that stood across a ten-foot gap. "Got any bright ideas?"

"I can control the water," Lapis offered. "But I don't know about that magic - I'll only be able to hold the whirlpool for a few minutes."

"That's good enough," Jasper said. "Do it!"

Lapis stood on the edge of the cliff. She took a deep breath, extending her wings for good measure, and raised her arms. The entire spire rumbled, but the whirlpool slowed and stopped entirely. "Go!"

Peridot went first, helicoptering across, wobbling up and down like crazy. The magic that created the vortex hadn't completely vanished, and it pulled her down so that she could barely grab onto the ledge by the time she reached the far side.

Jasper backed up and assessed the jump. She'd have to throw Steven across first before she could make it herself - "Steven, no!"

He ran past her and leaped off the cliff. He was holding his taco pack in front of him; it had been weighted with a large rock, which extended his trajectory. Somehow, with Gem-level skills, he twisted in midair and swung the pack so the rock flew out behind him - the force was just enough to catapult him safely onto the other side.

Peridot unfroze from her mindless panic. " _Don't ever do that again!"_

"Sorry," Steven beamed, as Jasper and Lapis jumped/flew across.

"Not that I care," she added hastily. "About you. Or anything."

"Good job, kiddo," Lapis praised. "Maybe that taco is good for something?"

"Doubt it," Jasper grunted. But she tousled his hair as she passed.

~*Q*~

The Gems explored deeper into the temple. They had a time limit of midnight to reach the top, and there were already stars blazing outside.

"Can I hold the moon goddess thing?" Steven pleaded.

"Nope," Jasper said, tossing the statue up and down. "Professionals only."

Lapis looked around the Sea Spire, seemingly in awe of the old, broken-down architecture. "Just look at this place! I think it'll be beautiful when it's restored...if it doesn't crumble on top of us, anyways."

Suddenly, Peridot yelped. "Crystal shrimp!"

A statue near her had strange white blobs crawling on it. Peridot kicked it down and backed away as fast as she could.

"There must be more around here somewhere," Jasper decided. They went up a flight of stairs to see an open clearing littered with the deadly crustaceans.

"It's an infestation," Peridot panicked. "And we've gotta get through here to get to the top!"

Steven leaned towards one. "Can't we just squish them?"

" _Don't touch them they're sharp and deadly!"_ Peridot realized she was exuding a caring, motherly aura and quickly let go of Steven's shoulder. "I mean, we've all dealt with enough lacerations in the past, and we don't want to take care of yours."

She examined the area, murmuring under her breath, "If Jasper goes there, and Lapis goes there…"

Lapis got tired of waiting and flew Steven across. She ferried Jasper next and went back for Peridot, but the green Gem - clearly ticked at having her idea shot down - waved her off. "I'll do it myself!" She activated her helicopter fingers and piloted towards them.

Halfway across, things went wrong. The Crystal Shrimp, disturbed by her erratic flight, launched themselves at her. She tried to beat them away, but one of them shrimp snagged a finger from her non-helicoptering hand and crawled away with it. The blob started chewing contentedly.

"My finger!" Peridot protested. She wiggled her hand, and the stolen digit responded, but the shrimp refused to let go. "Ow ow ow - stop chewing on me, you animal!"

"Can you get it back?" Lapis called.

"How?" Peridot snapped. "I can't touch the things! _Ow!"_

"Here, use this!" Steven threw something at her. It was his taco pack.

Peridot gave him a flat look. "What."

"It's fluffy. It'll keep you from stabbing yourself."

"Are you nuts? I'm not using that!"

"I guess we'll have to move on without it," Jasper said.

"...Fine." Peridot dropped to the ground and covered one hand with the taco pack, tiptoeing around the shrimp. She approached the finger lifter. "C'mere, you ingrate…"

Very gently, she used two fingers (hidden inside a protective layer of taco) to nudge the shrimp aside and reattach the digit, now with some nibble marks on it. The Crystal Shrimp irritably chomped on the taco's meat pocket, but quickly let go. Maybe it was vegetarian.

The Gems cheered quietly as Peridot made her way through the maze of shrimp monsters, covering her feet with the taco pack for good measure.

Steven took it back eagerly. "What did I tell -"

"Not a word about this. Ever."

That latest escapade cost them some time, so they had to hurry up the tower. Before they could start ascending the last staircase, a pillar crumbled, causing a stream to rush through the path ahead of them.

Lapis stepped forward, ready to clear the way, but Jasper stopped her. "Let Steven handle this. I wanna see if his pack can pull off another miracle."

"Yeah!" Lapis added, quickly catching on. "Whatcha got, Steven? Taco pack! Taco pack!"

She nudged Peridot, who gave her a death glare and helicoptered up the stairs and away.

Steven thought hard. "We can...use the taco pack as a raft!" He held it high in the air. "Tadaaaaaa!"

The Gems stared at him.

"That won't work," Jasper said.

"But good thought anyways," Lapis said. She parted the stream with a wave of her hand. Steven sighed.

Just as they were beginning to climb the final stretch, a quake shook the Sea Spire. From above them, Peridot shrieked. "It's midnight! The tower's coming down! Jasper, get up here with the moon statue _now!"_

The three of them raced up the steps. A moonbeam shone onto a pedestal at the top of the tower. With nothing inside it, the Sea Spire was degenerating quickly.

"Throw it!" Peridot ordered.

And Jasper threw the statue...just as the floor cracked in half. A slab of the Spire slid down at a sickening angle, leaving the Gems' portion of the ground several feet lower than the pedestal. The Moon Goddess Statue, aimed perfectly to land inside the moonbeam, now _pinged_ sharpy off the side and bounced back the way it came.

"No!" Lapis screamed. Steven stretched out his hands, holding his pack wide open like a catcher's mitt, but knowing the effort was futile.

Except...Steven caught it. By a stroke of luck, the statue hit the edge of the fabric, and it tumbled into Steven's arms.

"I have it," Steven said in wonder. Then, screaming over the scraping of rock and the roar of water rushing in: " _I have the statue!"_

"What are you waiting for?" Jasper bellowed, hanging onto the edge for dear life. "GO!"

Steven ran. Half-staggering, he heaved himself up the cliff created by the broken slab of Spire and scrabbled towards the pedestal. Less than four feet away, the Sea Spire cracked and shifted again - just a hair, but it was enough. The pedestal, away from the glow of the moon, went dark.

And then the Lunar Sea Spire collapsed.

~*Q*~

Steven broke the surface of the water, gasping.

Seconds later, the Gems followed suit. The only difference was that they didn't need to breathe.

"This is all my fault," Steven lamented. "I had it! I was holding it!"

"No, no, Steven," Lapis soothed, easily swimming towards him. "It's just a tower. You handled yourself really well."

"I'd even say you passed the test," Jasper said. "Two out of three of your ideas weren't bad at all, kid. And you were real close to saving the tower altogether."

Peridot, though she was shivering and sparking, nodded. "T-they can't all be winners."

Lapis created a raft out of hard water, and they all climbed on. Steven held his soaking wet taco pack in his lap and managed a grin. "It might even work like a life jacket."

"You got use out of that thing after all," Jasper commented. "I'm proud of you."

"Taco pack! Taco pack!" Lapis cheered.

"It's a th-three hour paddle home," grumped Peridot. The four of them were suddenly silent as reality hit.

"When we do get home," said Steven, "you wanna know what I'm having for dinner?"

~*Q*~

 **TACOS!**

 **Yes, that was one of the many aforementioned changes. Believe it or not, it's difficult to think of fast food that can double as a backpack. Most of the challenges with this episode came from the sole fact that Steven was hiding his taco pack, and therefore unable to stuff it with things like sweaters, bagels, and Mr. Queasy dolls. In fact, the cheeseburger backpack in itself didn't do anything at all!**

 **Lapis continues to be the nicest member of the group, and Peridot continues to be in denial. However, the two of them (and Jasper) never see anything wrong with hiding the truth from Steven. Sure, in the show it took almost fifty episodes for Greg to tell Steven that the Gems were alien invaders. You might think badly of them for hiding that, but it also prevents a lot of psychological scarring. With these guys? "Steven, we're testing you, so DON'T MESS UP!" The pressure is on!**

 **You might have noticed some action and humor scenes in this one, particularly at the very top of the Sea Spire. I'm actually not used to, and - in my opinion - not very good at, action, humor, or drama. My writing mostly revolves around "tell a plot and have characters react to it." I'd love it if you guys could review and tell me how to improve.**

 **See you in the next chapter!**

 **~*Akirys*~**


	4. Chipsy

**A/N: (If you guys noticed this chapter was uploaded then taken down, sorry. Major formatting error.)**

 **Wow, it's been a while! Sorry about that. School started, plus a bunch of other distractions that range from minor to all-consuming. Also, believe it or not, trying to think of an alternate name for Frybo is really hard and set me off on writers' block for a while.**

 **So, important update: RedLion14, who has given me this swap challenge, has withdrawn it, officially giving me free rein as to which episodes I write! Therefore, I have some new rules: I am not going past Season One. I know, I'm sorry, but if I do Season Two, I'll be obligated to keep up with this as episodes are aired in real-time, and that's not something I want to be burdened with. Also, the plotlines get very Crystal Gem specific (like, how do you translate Jasper into episodes like Keystone Motel?) So maaaaaybe I'll make a sequel once Season Two is finished, but I make no promises. I might do Say Uncle for a fun epilogue, though. That also means you guys can suggest episodes for me to do - any you want, as long as they're before Jailbreak. Leave your ideas in a review!**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Steven Universe, nor the transcripts used to write these. I do want to get an "I Support Space Rock Lesbians" shirt, though, because is that not the best thing ever?**

 **~*Q*~**

Steven had lost something very important. That something was his pants.

Peridot came hurrying through the house, a green bubble floating in her hand. Steven started to call out to her, but she was out through the screen door, letting it bang shut behind her, faster than he could yell.

"Maybe she went out to find my pants?" Steven asked himself. "Nah…"

Suddenly, there was a quiet rustle. Steven looked behind him to see his pants trying to edge out the door.

" _Aha!"_ He tackled them. The pants fought back as valiantly as they could, considering they were an article of clothing, but Steven managed to put them on. They still wiggled strangely, so Steven put his hands in the pockets to steady them. He immediately felt a mysterious object. "Huh?" Inspecting it closer revealed it be a sparkling gem shard. As soon as he pulled it out, the fabric went dead.

Steven was fascinated. It didn't look like much, but as soon as it neared his shirt or jeans, the clothing started wiggling like it had a life of its own.

"Maybe Peridot needs this," Steven decided. "I'm not allowed to touch Gem stuff…but if I get it back to her, she'll be all, 'great job, Steven!' And then I can go on missions with her!" His eyes grew starry just thinking about it. "All right!"

That settled, he called, "Peridot, wait up!" and ran out to find her.

~*Q*~

Steven had already checked the beach, the arcade, the lighthouse, Funland, and Peridot's hidden stash of Gem tech, but the green Gem was nowhere to be found. Legs sore, and hungry after running around half the morning, Steven wound his way toward the collection of boardwalk shops. He was in a fry bits mood, he decided, bypassing Fish Stew Pizza.

Someone ran by, screaming, and knocked Steven to the ground. He stood up angrily and recoiled: there appeared to be a large, unnerving carton of fries peeling its head off. Then a young curly-haired boy's face was revealed, and he threw the costume head to the ground.

"Stupid Chipsy! Ugh!" He kicked it several times, shooing away a flock of seagulls.

"Chipsy?" Steven ventured.

The boy looked down for the first time. "Oh...it's just this stupid costume. You're Steven, right? My dad talks about you. I'm Peedee." He offered his hand.

Steven took it warily and let Peedee pull him to his feet. "So…"

"So…"

"Uh...that thing's kinda creepy, isn't it?" Conversation was not his strong suit.

"Yeah," Peedee said mournfully. "But I can't take him off. My dad - "

As if on cue, the fry shop owner stuck his head out of a side door. "Gah, where's your face, Chipsy? Being part of the Fryman family means you _gotta_ sell fries...and be my son, of course. Keep at it, Chipsy!" He slammed it like nothing had happened.

"Sometimes, I think he forgets my name," Peedee said.

"If it's for selling fries, why is it named after chips?"

"Uh...maybe he's imported?"

"Steven!" It was Peridot. She stormed over to him. "Do you have any reason to be associating with this...flesh person?!"

"Oh! Yes!" Steven pulled out the Gem shard (wisely stuffed inside a sock) and presented it to her. "Look what I found!"

Peridot snatched it up and examined it closely, as if looking for a reason to criticize him. She found none. "Well, good work, I think. Now go back to the house."

"Does this mean I can go on missions?"

"No!"

"Can _I_ go on a mission?"

"Don't talk to me, human!"

Peedee groaned. "Then I'll just have to go back to wasting away my life in this stupid costume! All I wanted was to make my dad notice me and Chipsy's stealing all the attention!"

A crafty light came into Peridot's eyes. "Human...is that hideous raiment made _entirely_ of fabric?"

Peedee inspected it. "Uh...I guess so."

"Then I have a proposition for you." Peridot held up her bubble of shards, plus the one Steven had found for her. "How would you like one of these to manage your suit for you?"

"Could they?" Peedee lit up. "That'd be great!"

In minutes, he had shrugged out of the costume. Peridot placed a shard inside Chipsy's mouth, and the mascot slowly stood up on its own.

"Now," Peridot said, "what is it you want this thing to do?"

Fryman's son shrugged. "I mean...I guess its purpose is just making people eat fries."

"You heard him." The suit shambled off without a sound.

Steven glanced at Peridot, a little nervous. He had never known her to do something for a human - normally she flat-out refused to associate with them. Before he could confront her about it, Peedee had grabbed him by the hand and dragged him off: "Let's go be kids!"

Peedee went straight to a grocery store with two mechanical rides outside of it. Peedee took the seahorse and made Steven get on top of a jellyfish.

Steven wasn't expecting to like it, but he found himself giggling as the ride shook him up and down. Meanwhile, Peedee's smile slowly faded.

"This ride used to make me so happy. Now it's just giving me whiplash." The seahorse stopped. "I feel like there's no point to it, you know what I mean?"

"I j-just feel t-tingly!" The ride made Steven's voice vibrate.

Peedee sighed. "You'll understand when you have a job."

The jellyfish stopped, and the half-Gem shook his head to clear it. "I _want_ a job. I want to help the Gems fight monsters and stuff!"

"You don't really want one. You pick up a job to buy a house, or raise kids, or to...impress your dad. You work away your life, and what does it get you?"

Steven didn't have an answer. "But if you can impress the Gems - I mean, your dad...isn't it worth it?"

"Nothing's worth it," Peedee said despondently. "Nothing can get back what the job takes."

The two boys sat in silence, until a scream shattered the air.

"That came from the fry shop!"

~*Q*~

Steven and Peedee sprinted all the way back to the shop. They were met with a chilling sight: Beach Citywalk Fries' front window had been shattered. Citizens were running away from it in droves, but most of them were dragged inside, screaming, by some kind of pale tendril. In the midst of the chaos, Peridot watched thoughtfully, casually shocking any tendril that got too close to her.

"Peridot!" screamed Steven. "What's going on?"

Peridot's eyes shone. "The test subject appears to be taking the human's command very, very literally. I doubt anything can calm it down now."

" _What?_ Chipsy's doing this? And you just let it happen?"

"It's all just an experiment," Peridot explained. "I had to have _some_ way to see whether the Gem shards still worked. They're just fine, but they're even less obedient than they were five thousand years ago. How about that?"

Something knocked Steven to the ground. He screamed when he realized a fry tendril had grabbed a hold of his ankle. Peridot shocked it off and helped Steven to his feet. "Come on, now!" she chided. "I don't want you getting hurt...I mean, what would Lapis say?"

"Gah!" Steven ripped his arm away. "I...I can't believe…you'd do this! Come on, Peedee!"

"What are we going to do?" he asked frantically, as the half-Gem gripped his arm and dragged him between the tentacles, careful not to touch them.

"I don't know! Let's just get closer!"

Inside the darkened fry shop, Chipsy was terrorizing people, stuffing their mouths full of fries and throwing them away. Peedee screamed when he saw Mr. Fryman among the wreckage. " _Dad!"_

"Pee...dee…?" Fryman was thrown against the wall, and he slumped to the ground.

Peedee threw planks and debris at the monster. "I hate you! I've always hated you! I wish you were never born!"

"Born…" Steven said. "Peedee! Wait here!" He dodged his way back to Peridot and lunged at her.

"Hey!" Peridot tried to shoo him off. "What?"

"I need those extra Gem shards!"

"No! Why?"

"I'm gonna take all my clothes off and have them all attack Chipsy at once!"

Peridot let her arms fall to her sides. "...Steven, I am literally _begging_ you to not get naked."

And so Steven made his way to Chipsy with a Gem in tow, frantically zapping any tendril within reach. Whenever she started mumbling about how her experiment was getting ruined, Steven started to peel his shirt off.

Peedee wasn't doing so well on his own. He and his father were huddled in the corner as Chipsy, all veins and ketchup drool, advanced on them.

"Dad…?" Peedee whimpered. "I never liked Chipsy, and I hate him even more now."

"You...you never liked him?"

Something green whizzed through the air and smacked Chipsy in the eye. Steven was wielding a handful of Peridot's fingers as if they were throwing darts.

Distracted and enraged, Chipsy turned on him. He ran away, dodging fallen tables and chairs, and Peridot electrocuted the suit as suit as it gave chase. "Now!"

At her command, Steven jumped off of a table and landed on Chipsy's face; his back was lashed by fry tendrils, but they were too jittery to proper yank him off. Ignoring to electricity jolting his body, Steven forced his hand inside Chipsy's cheesy and ketchupy mouth and closed his fingers around the gem shard. Chipsy's body went limp.

Finally, there was stillness.

~*Q*~

Despite the fact that nobody liked Chipsy, Fryman insisted on his funeral. They dumped his body on a broken table and sent him out to sea. He was also on fire because it created a nice toasty potato smell, which Fryman claimed would attract more customers once he cleaned the shop up.

"As greasy in death as he was in life," Fryman said aloud, watching the decrepit mascot send smoke into the sky.

"Dad?" Peedee ventured. "Are you gonna...get another Chipsy?"

His dad smiled fondly. "I don't need another one. I've got my son to take care of."

"You know, Peridot," Steven said, "since I solved all this without taking my clothes off, I think you owe me a favor."

Peridot groaned. "I'm going to regret this…"

~*Q*~

 **A/N: So, in thinking about it, this crazy-long wait between updates was probably not such a bad thing. After all, "Catch and Release" has aired! Spoilers, but Tinydot is best dot! Because of this, I'll be able to modify her character appropriately. I was thinking about putting the Gems shard inside her unattached limbs, but nah...**

 **Steven got a real shock this episode - maybe the Gems aren't such great role models. Peridot is pretty ruthless underneath all her meme-generating abilities.**

 **At any rate, hope you enjoyed! Remember to leave a review if you liked it, tell me some constructive criticism, praise, suggestions, episodes you wanna see, whatever! See you next time for bubble goodness!**

 **~*Akirys*~**


	5. Besties in a Bubble

**A/N: Hoo boy, this chapter. And I thought "Chipsy" was challenging! So I'll elaborate on what made this a struggle during the second author's note, but the gist of it is that I changed my mind about the plot one-third of the way through, and so most of the work I had gotten done over the course of a week was suddenly totally useless.**

 **But enough about that for now. I have a very important announcement to make! November First starts NaNoWriMo, or National Novel Writing Month. I will be participating in it, and in order to reach the quota of about 1,600 words a day, I'll be taking a break from the Gemswap challenge. No worries, I'll work on it whenever I'll have time, but you might not want to expect another chapter until December! Hey, while you wait, you can check out my other Steven Universe stories! ;D**

 **Okay, I swear, last thing: I need a poll taken. I am doing Steven's Lion next, but I'm still conflicted on whether or not to do Giant Woman. The question is, are you guys willing to see an OC Peridot/Lapis fusion to make it happen? Or should I skip it and let them reconcile their differences offscreen? The choice is yours!**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Steven Universe. However, I got a beautiful "Steven Falls Over" crossover shirt for my birthday! Special thanks to the "Bubble Buddies" transcript on the wiki.**

~*Q*~

A few days had passed since the "Chipsy" incident, and Steven hadn't quite forgiven Peridot. But none of the Gems had a problem with that. Lapis usually told him that most Gems were untrustworthy (as she looked rather haunted) and not to take it too personally, while Jasper launched off on her usual schtick about showing no mercy to your enemies. Steven decided to clear his head with a walk out to the beach.

He should probably forgive her soon, anyways, Steven reflected. As sour as she could be, Peridot really did have a grain of affection for Steven - and everyone except herself knew it. She was just anti-Earth in general.

"The flesh people are just like those little arthropods they step on," Peridot complained. "Really stupid. Why do we have to associate with them?"

And then Jasper or Lapis would shut her down with, "For Steven."

A rumbling sound distracted him from his thoughts, and the whole ground shivered. An earthquake? This had been going on for most of the day.

That was the point when he saw the girl. Steven froze, briefly considering ducking behind a giant rock to hide.

The girl had long hair, a whitish dress, and big round glasses, though most of her face was hidden behind a book. Steven realized that she looked familiar. The girl was often wandering around Beach City, but he'd never stopped to chat.

He had never seen the girl so close to the temple before. Maybe he should warn her off? if they saw her, the Gems wouldn't be happy…

Making up his mind, Steven started towards her. The girl didn't even look up.

All of a sudden, yet another earthquake shook the beach - the largest one yet. The rocks of the cliff above them cracked and fell towards the ground in a landslide.

"Look out!" Steven yelled. Barely stopping to think, he lunged forward and knocked the girl out of the way.

Suddenly, a warm tingling sensation burst to life in his bellybutton. With a flash of yellow, something erupted around him and the girl. A dull thud resounded as the rockslide harmlessly thudded against the object.

Steven gasped and looked around. "A...bubble? I did it! I'm magic! Wait till I tell the Gems!"

"Um...hello?"

He realized he was practically on top of the girl. "Oh! Uh…"

He stood back as far as he could, given the bubble's relatively tiny space, and awkwardly watched the girl haul herself to her feet. She coughed and adjusted her glasses. "I'm Connie."

"Steven."

"So...uh...what happened?"

"Oh. This? Well, I'm magic. Half magic. On my mom's side."

"You did this?"

"Yup."

"And how long does it usually last?"

Steven shrugged. "This is my first time."

"O-oh. Cool."

It was getting pretty awkward in their little bubble, so Steven made a halfhearted, then increasingly panicked, attempt to break it. He looked at Connie frantically. "It doesn't - uh, it's not going away…!"

"And that's bad?" Connie asked.

"Probably." He saw her worried face and quickly added, "It's okay! The Gems can help us." He gave the yellow bubble a nudge, and it rolled forward an inch. Connie quickly started to help.

"So, you've never come around here before," Steven said.

"I just wanted to read on the beach. I like it here."

"I've seen you in the city before too."

"I know. My dad moves us to a bunch of different beaches. He's a cop."

The two of them reached the hillside, but they only got a few feet up it before it became too steep for them. They remained at the bottom of the hill for several minutes, yelling as loud as they could, before Steven realized that the Gems would never notice them. They'd have to find another way.

"Maybe we could try the boardwalk?" Connie suggested.

"I guess," Steven said, a bit grumpy from the Gems' absence. "Start rolling."

~*Q*~

Steven didn't appreciate being laughed at. Lars didn't really care.

"Lars, quit being a jerk and help!" Sadie ordered.

"What? I'm helping Steven on his date! In his magic love bubble!"

"Lars, shut up!" Steven blurted. He could feel his cheeks starting to flame.

"Do you guys even like each other?" Connie asked timidly, as the two donut sellers starting to shove each other.

"Oh, sure," Steven said. "He's still a jerk, though."

"I'm going to try something else!" Sadie finally yelled, storming inside. Lars started making faces at Steven again, until the half-Gem started faux-smacking his face from the other side of the bubble. Then he left, complaining about kids who couldn't take a joke.

"Uh, have you ever been here before?" Steven asked, anxious to change the subject.

"No," Connie said. "My parents don't let me eat donuts. They have trans fats."

Steven was astounded. "That's...awful!"

"AHHHHHHH!" Sadie came running out and hit a stool against the bubble. The stool broke.

Connie frowned. "We should try something else."

~*Q*~

Steven and Connie arrived at the pier.

"Woah, a trawler!" Connie said, looking around. "And a little skipjack!"

"Are those boats?" Steven asked.

The girl nodded. That's what happens when you hang out at the beach and...don't swim and...don't have friends." She paused awkwardly. "You...learn about boats."

"Uhhhhh…" Steven said. "Hey! There's Onion! Maybe he could help us!"

Onion's eyes narrowed as Steven rolled over. The two of them had an extremely animositous relationship, but right now was kind of an emergency.

"Onion," Steven said, "we need a harpoon gun."

The boy munched popcorn and stared at him.

"To shoot at us!"

Smiling widely, Onion ran off to prep one of the boats.

Connie was alarmed. "A harpoon gun?"

"To pop the bubble!"

"Can't we just go back to your house?!"

"I'm a Gem. It's okay."

Onion sounded the horn and shot a harpoon at them. Both Steven and Connie screamed and hugged the walls, but the gun deflected off the bubble with a clang and sunk a nearby ship.

"I kinda liked that trawler…" Connie said with disappointment.

~*Q*~

The day was drawing to a close, but Steven wasn't ready to go back to the Gems just yet. He rolled Connie over to yet another location - Funland, a paradise (or not) of screaming people and fried food.

"Tons of horrible accidents happen here every day," Steven explained. "Once we find a ride, this bubble won't stand a chance."

"Uh - "

"The Kiddie Coaster!" Steven dragged her along before she could protest. "All right, we just roll down this ramp as the carts are coming at us, and the crash will break us free!"

"What happens after the bubble pops?"

"We'll be free!"

"Steven, this idea is te - "

Before she could finish, another earthquake shook the beach, accompanied by a weird moaning roar. The bubble slipped onto the tracks, and the two shrieked as the coaster came shooting around the bend. For a split second they were being pushed along by the coaster, only a foot away from the confused passengers of the ride, and then the roller coaster stopped with a jerk - someone must have pressed the emergency button. Steven and Connie went flying and landed in the ocean with a gigantic splash before slowly sinking downwards.

~*Q*~

"Where are we?" Connie asked.

Steven looked around. It was gloomy, but he could make out his surroundings thanks to the yellowish light of the bubble. Plus, the splash was dead giveaway. "The bottom of the ocean." Connie gasped, nearly hyperventilating, and Steven shifted uncertainly. He wasn't sure how to comfort her.

"Are we even close to the shore?" Connie managed at last.

Steven was about to say 'no,' but he changed his mind when he saw her panicked face. "Yeah, sure. We should get moving."

They hauled themselves to their feet and started pushing the bubble. The water combined with the slippery sand floor made it about ten times harder than to roll along than on the boardwalk. Steven was privately very glad that the bubble was airtight. Could he breathe underwater? The Gems could, but he'd always been too nervous to try…

A scream from Connie distracted him. Simultaneously, a shadow threw their surroundings.

Above them floated some kind of monster - a huge worm with a translucent coating around it.

"A monster!" Steven said, fascinated, even as Connie covered her eyes in fear. "No, look. It's eating that bright yellow stuff right there."

The monster worm chewed up the yellow stuff, which seemed to be some kind of glowing seaweed, and then started to burrow farther underneath the ocean floor. Cracks formed underneath Steven and Connie, and then a larger crevice swallowed them. They floated farther down until they hit the bottom with a dull thud.

Steven groaned and immediately realized his foot was in Connie's face. "Oh! Sorry."

He was shocked when Connie started to cry. "You didn't listen to me! You kept trying to solve it by yourself but you don't know what you're doing! Now we're going to suffocate or starve at the bottom of the ocean, and only my parents will notice because no one else cares about me!"

"Connie…"

"I'm going to disappear without ever making a single friend."

It took all of Steven's courage, but he cleared his throat. "W-we could be friends."

Connie looked up. "Huh?"

"I see you around Beach City," Steven said, "like, all the time. And you were always alone. And I don't really have friends either, because the Gems don't like it when I talk to people. But...but we both need friends, right? Maybe you could be an exception?"

Connie sniffled. "I would like that."

Steven tentatively touched her knee. "I'm sorry, Connie. If I had talked to you back then, you wouldn't be stuck in this bubble with me now."

"No, it's okay!" Connie said. "I'm having fun."

And that was when the bubble popped, and they were left drowning in darkness. Steven concentrated as hard as he could, and his Gem lit up like a strange yellow flashlight. He caught sight of Connie and grabbed her arm; together, they swam towards the surface.

The two of them emerged, gasping for air. Steven's shoulders were burning and he had a nasty headache. He wondered if it was from being so deep underwater.

Before he could celebrate, a distorted roar caught his attention. The giant worm was headed straight towards them, and Steven realized that his flickering belly button was attracting its attention. He yanked his shirt down and sputtered "Run!" to Connie, and they swam like crazy for the shore.

~*Q*~

Unfortunately, the worm wasn't deterred very much by dry land. Steven and Connie scrambled ashore and ducked underneath the pier, but the worm followed. His gem had stopped glowing by this point, but the monster seemed to assume he was just hiding tasty yellow seaweed somewhere.

"Connie, get away from me!" Steven yelled.

"What?"

"It's after me! It thinks I'm gonna feed it. Go, run!"

He pushed Connie away and they split up. Sure enough, the monster veered after Steven. He ran underneath the pier, dodging columns and ducking under the monster itself. Finally, he reached the beach proper, where Connie was waiting with a look of terror on her face. The monster found itself completely tangled up among the columns. It spat angrily and stretched out to reach the two of them, but suddenly, crack! The pier came crashing down, and the monster disintegrated.

Steven looked over at Connie, who started laughing, a little hysterically. They were finally safe.

"Steven!" It was the Gems. He realized he was gripping Connie's hand and quickly let go.

"Steven, what did you do?" Jasper growled. Instead of waiting for an answer, she left him to go pick up the gem the monster left behind.

"And what are you doing with...her?" Peridot asked, with a suspicious glance at Connie.

Connie's eyes lit up. "He saved me!"

"Really?" Steven asked. Connie nodded firmly.

"Who's this, Steven?" Lapis pressed.

Steven took a deep breath and looked around. "Guys, meet Connie, my new friend."

~*Q*~

 **A/N: And there you have it! Serious time: I really really do need criticism for this chapter, because I don't know how well written it is. I did a bunch of last-minute editing to flesh it out, but I'd love your opinion on how the drama played out.**

 **So, in the original script (called "Pod Pals"), I decided that it didn't make sense for Steven to have bubble powers because he had a sword for a weapon. So it was actually one of** ** _Peridot's_** **machines, modeled after her escape pod from Jailbreak and onwards, that fell onto S &C and trapped them inside. But that was super difficult to write naturally, and it messed up future episodes like Space Race, so in the end I decided: forget it. If Yellow Diamond had a rifle blaster, Steven can have bubble powers. And thus, this chapter was born.**

 **HOWEVER, that didn't stop me from including the unused plot as a deleted scene! It takes place right before Steven rounds the bend and sees Connie for the first time. Enjoy!**

 **~*Q*~**

 _There was a sudden clanking noise from the cliff above the beach. It was Peridot; she was waving some tools around and cursing as pieces of metal - probably shaken away by the quake - rolled down to the sand._

 _"Hey, Peridot!" Steven called up._

 _"Steven?" Peridot peered down at him. From that height, she was just a small green triangle. "Pass up my leverage optimizers, will you?"_

 _Steven gathered up several screwdrivers, crowbars, and pieces of scrap metal. Peridot sent her fingers down the cliff; her maximum range was still ten feet above Steven's head, so they had a fun little game as Steven threw the metal into the air and Peridot tried to grab it._

 _"So….what're you building?" Steven asked, offering the olive branch._

 _"No, to the left, you clo-! Oh. It's just a pragmatically optimized defensive system."_

 _"A what?"_

 _"A pod."_

 _"Oh," Steven said. "What's it for?"_

 _"Stuff," Peridot said shiftily. "That I haven't decided yet."_

 _"Is it another rocket?"_

 _"N-no! Shut up!"_

 _Peridot had, numerous times, built homemade attempts at leaving Earth's atmosphere and getting back to her home planet. All of them failed. Steven was frequently thankful that he hadn't been around when humans built their own, successful, rockets; according to Lapis, Peridot had gone into a rage and attempted to sabotage their missions at least six times._

 _Steven threw the last of the screwdrivers into Peridot's hands and then scrambled up the cliff himself. He was eager to see what Peridot was working on._

 _"Careful," Peridot said automatically, intent on her work now that she had her materials back. "This rock formation's stress lines are beginning to fracture."_

 _The thing Peridot was building was small - much less so than the last rocket she built. It could probably fit only two people, one if it was Jasper, and it had no controls inside except for a couple of buttons. The pod was bright green in color and opaque except for a single window._

"Is this going to make it all the way back to Homeworld?" Steven wondered, but Peridot didn't answer. Either she was concentrating deeply or she was ignoring him on purpose. With a sigh, Steven left her alone. The ground shook again, almost throwing him down the cliffside.

~*Q*~

 **~*Akirys*~**


	6. A Lion for Steven

**A/N: Haha, oops, it's been a while! Hello all, and welcome back to Wife Swap, Homeworld vs Crystal Gem edition! I owe you an explanation...**

 **So last November was my first NaNoWriMo, which I'm happy to report turned out a success (at least in the sense that I wrote a 77,170 word fanfic in thirty days). Any Pokemon fans can check out "The Vaniville Voyage Adventures" if they'd like! But the thing about NaNoWriMo is that all that writing left me super burnt out for like all of December, and then in January, I just got hit with plain old procrastination and writers' block. But at last, here I am!**

 **I've been worried about the quality of the previous chapters, so you might notice that my style has changed in this one compared to the others. I do feel like I've learned a lot about writing ever since. But enough of that, I've kept you waiting long enough! I hope you enjoy chapter six, a swap of Steven's Lion!**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Steven Universe, nor do I own any episode transcripts from the wiki.**

~*Q*~

Because Steven's test mission hadn't exactly gone as planned, he wasn't planning on being allowed on a mission for quite a while. But to his surprise, the Gems let him tag along on another.

This one took place in a desert...somewhere. It was hot, but surprisingly not too much for Steven to handle. Still, he felt like he should be doing something desert-y - begging for water, using his shirt to block out the sun's rays? It sounded fun, but the boy kept quiet. He didn't want to embarrass himself in front of Jasper.

"This is the place," Jasper said, stopping abruptly. Peridot, Steven and Lapis gazed at the structure: a huge pyramid rising out of the distance.

"The power in these structures has turned aimless," Peridot explained, gesturing wildly with her floating fingers as several columns rose out of the sand to their left. "Columns - like that! It's out of control!"

"Then let's go stop it," Lapis urged, bouncing on her heels. She liked the desert even less than Steven did, and the lack of water was making her anxious. As if to prove her point, a roaring sound echoed out of nowhere.

"What was that?" Steven blurted.

"Stay here, Steven," Jasper said instead of answering his question, which didn't make him feel much better.

"Are you sure? I have a bubble now. I can -"

"Don't argue."

"Okay…"

The Gems headed off over the sand. Steven took a quick look around and decided to wait under the shade of a pillar nearby. Being alone in the desert was bizarre and made him feel uneasy. On the one hand, he was proud that the Gems trusted him on his own; on the other, he felt like something would pop out and grab him at any moment. Or the heat would bake him into popcorn or something? Absently, he wondered what Stevencorn would taste like.

He may not have been burnt to a crisp, but the relentless heat soon lost its charm. Once he had finally reached a nice patch of shade, he had to resist the urge to abandon his dignity and slide to the ground like a wet noodle. After he was settled on the ground (looking dignified, he was sure), Steven closed his eyes for a minute, and -

A growl made him flinch and look up. Something - a shadowy figure - was crouched only a few yards from him, half-hidden behind a sandy column.

"Ah!" Steven shot to his feet and scooted around to the other side of the pillar he had found shade in. For a few seconds he was safe from the creature's view, but the structure suddenly crumbled into a pile. In his haste to get away, Steven tripped over it, and a wall rose from nowhere to block his escape.

The figure took several steps towards him. Steven threw up his hands and attempted to look angry and fearsome. "Don't come near me! I'm warning y-"

At that point he realized two things: a) the creature wasn't attacking him, and b) it was a huge, neon yellow lion with a darkish gold mane. The mane had three distinct points, so it poofed out into a huge fluffy triangle. The lion flopped down on the ground with a yawn.

Steven's heart was pounding, but he edged closer it, flinching with each of the cat's movements, before carefully resting a hand on its head. The lion didn't mind.

"Awww." Steven melted almost instantly. "Did you just want attention?"

He may have been a soon-to-be superpowerful Gem, but he had a weakness for cute things. And cats. He soon found himself draped on top of the lion, chatting like they were old friends.

"So, you from around here? Are you just a Lion? Is that your name? My name is Steven, and I'm a Crystal Gem - we fight bad guys. You're a very nice color, by the way. Like a big lemon! I always sorta wanted an animal friend…"

The Lion rolled over slightly and wrapped his paw around Steven. Steven's eyes lit up in delight. He wanted he and his new animal pal to stay there forever, but he jumped when a huge _boom_ and a blast of sand shook the desert.

The Gems were returning from their mission, and they - as was common - were arguing. "Put that _thing_ in a bubble!" Peridot was saying.

Lapis was tossing an ornate pillow up and down. "It looks nice! Can't I put it in a display case? Like an aquarium?"

"No," Peridot snapped. "Unless you want it to _rebuild everything."_

"That's the Gems," Steven whispered to Lion. "Jasper, Peridot, and Lapis! Quick, let me ride on your back so I look cool!"

"Steven?" Lapis said, alarmed, as they spotted him attempted to drag himself on top of the lion's back. She and the others ran over to him; Jasper summoned her weapon as she went. "What's that thing?"

"Don't hurt him!" Steven blurted, sliding off of Lion to stand in front of him. "He's my new friend. Well, sort of."

"It's a monster," Jasper mused. "It can't be a 'friend.'"

"Though it doesn't appear to have a Gem," Peridot remarked, examining Lion for a closer look. He gave her an irritated glare.

"Isn't he neat?" Steven said happily.

Peridot rolled her eyes. "Yeah, sure. Now come on. We have to get the Desert Glass _out_ of the desert."

Lapis, who has been busy trying to scritch Lion's ears, didn't even look up. "I got it!"

"Steven, we're leaving." Jasper said firmly, interrupting the debate. The other two Gems automatically started to follow her as she abruptly turned and started to walk back over the desert. She had that sort of gravity around her - the kind of voice that ended any discussion immediately.

Apparently Jasper wasn't a fan of cats. Steven gave Lion a last pat on the head, but was forced to dejectedly leave him behind.

~*Q*~

Apparently, Lapis had a plan for keeping the Desert Glass safe. That plan consisted of putting it inside a water bed and setting up said water bed in the middle of the living room. Her expression made it obvious that she was just doing this to spite Peridot.

Lapis curled up on the bed and, after making sure Jasper wasn't around, Steven flopped onto it too. They dozed off after a little while, until something snapped Steven into awareness.

"What's that noise?" Steven asked blearily. A scratching sound had made him jolt out of a dream about cats.

"Meh." Lapis rolled over slightly, causing the water bed to jiggle.

Steven sat up and watched her. "Peridot said Gems don't need sleep?"

"They're just missing out."

The scratching sound came again, though this time it sounded like something was shredding the front door. Steven crawled off the bed, muttering about random civilians and their door-knocking habits, and made his way to the front door.

"The Gems don't like visitors," Steven said, flinging the door open. "So make it -"

But it was no ordinary visitor. Steven gasped in shock as a familiar silhouette filled the doorway. "Lion? It's - it's you! You're back!"

The lion said nothing, only gave him a somewhat regal look and attempted to step around him and into the house.

"Woah, hehe -" Steven blocked him, easily keeping the huge lion at bay. "Uh, I don't think the Gems would like to see you. And Lapis is sleeping...hey, c'mon, let me show you around where I live, instead!"

~*Q*~

"This is a cliff!" Steven yelled from atop a cliff.

Lion scratched his ear.

"I know, right!" Steven called anyways. "Wanna see what happens if I jump?"

He got no response, so Steven flung himself off the cliff anyways in the hope of arousing some sort of ancient protective animal instincts. It didn't work.

The air whooshed out of him as he painfully hit the dirt. Steven cracked his eyes open to check Lion's expression, but he seemed unimpressed.

"No worries…!" Steven called anyways, grimacing. Just play it cool. "Jasper and I used to play the push-each-other-off-the-cliff game all the time…except I could never push her anywhere, she's too strong." It occurred to him that most humans probably couldn't shrug off a fall like this - good thing he was a cool half-Gem, right?

Steven peeled himself off the ground. "No cliffs, huh? Well...I don't normally like to go there, but there's another place I can show you. Let me take you to Beach City!"

~*Q*~

After some debate, Steven led the way to Fish Stew Pizza. "Because cats like fish, and everyone likes pizza," he explained for Lion's benefit. The lion didn't seem impressed.

They stopped outside of the restaurant - Steven had seen it many times but hardly ever wanted to go inside. At least with Beach Citywalk Fries, he could get his bits and run and hardly talk to anyone. The Big Donut was trickier, but come on - _donuts._

" _Rff."_ Lion made a whuffing noise and turned to go.

"Hold up, hold up." Steven, his face pressed against the glass, absently reached out and grabbed Lion's mane. "Stay here for a second, okay? I'll go in and get us some. We just gotta wait for the right moment to stri -"

"Hi, Steven!" the teen at the counter sang. "It's me, Kiki! How's it hangin'?"

"Abort!" Steven whispered frantically.

"Woahhh…" Someone recognizable as Peedee's older brother stuck his head out of the door. "Is that a _lion?_ A yellow one?"

"What?" Kiki craned her neck for another look, but Lion was outside of her field of vision. She and Onion - who was sitting in the shop being creepy, as usual - went over to the glass wall for a better view.

"I'm always looking for weird stuff like this!" Peedee's older brother continued. "This'll be a great addition to my BLOG - _Keep Beach City Weird!"_

Onion wandered over to touch Lion's neon paw, but the feline had apparently had enough. He turned and dashed off down the road. Frankly, Steven couldn't blame him. "Oh, there he goes," he said nervously. "Um, I'd better go after him - so uh - bye!"

"Come back again sometime!" Kiki said encouragingly as Steven bolted down the street.

"I'd rather not," he said to himself.

~*Q*~

When Steven finally tracked down Lion after chasing him halfway across the city, it was at right back where they started - the house. Lion was scratching at the front door again, more insistently than ever.

"Lion, what'd I say?" Steven scolded, though halfheartedly. "Lapis is sleeping!"

The Gem monster gave him an irritated look and put all his weight into his next strike, breaking the door in half and leaping inside with ease.

Steven gasped and ran in after him. "Stop! Wait! No!"

Lion scanned the room. His eyes fell onto Lapis' water bed, which he ripped to shreds with a slash of his claws. Instead of pouring all over the floor, the water retained its shape thanks to Lapis, who unconsciously submerged herself into the water and rolled over as if the bed had become infinitely more comfortable.

"What was that for?" Steven demanded. He followed Lion's line of sight. Something - a gemstone on a cushion - had been trapped inside the water bed, but when Lion broke it, it had fallen with a wet _phut_ onto the floor. "Wait - the pillow? _That's_ what you were after this whole time?"

His anger reached a breaking point. "I trusted you!" he yelled. "I thought we could be best friends! I just wanted to play games with you and feed you and have someone nice to talk to! Did all of that just mean _nothing?"_

He scooped the pillow up in both hands and burst out onto the porch. "Well, if this is what you want -

"Then you can _have_ it!" As he spoke, he hurled the cushion onto the sand below.

The beach began to shake.

Steven's anger dissipated as he faltered. "Uh…"

With a roar, sand structures began to rise out of the earth. Jasper and Peridot stumbled up behind Steven seconds later. Peridot was dragging a dripping wet Lapis by the hand.

"Steven!" Jasper barked. "What did you do?"

"I don't know! Lion wanted the pillow, and I threw it on the sand, and -"

"The lion is here?"

"It's rebuilding everything," Peridot realized. A sandstorm kicked up even as she spoke. "The whole castle!"

"Then I'll fix this," Steven said determinedly. Not heeding the Gems' cries, he jumped down onto the sand.

He was quickly swallowed up by the sandstorm, but the Gem pillow went a step farther. Amidst the blooming chaos, a huge wall rose out of the ground, cutting off Jasper, Peridot, and Lapis as they ran after him.

"This is all your fault!" Peridot snapped, whirling on Lapis, as she unsuccessfully tried to pry a hole into the barrier. "If you had bubbled that pillow earlier -"

Lapis shook her wings angrily. A gritty layer of wet sand stuck to them - in that state, trying to fly over the wall would be impossible. "I thought it'd be _fun,_ okay?"

"Talk later! This wall's not coming down." Jasper punched the wall to no effect, and Peridot and Lapis hurried to help.

Meanwhile, Steven was fighting his way through the sand. A column erupted so close to his face that he gasped in shock. Coughing on inhaled sand, he dug his fingers into the side of the pillar and clambered to the top as it rose ten, fifteen feet in the air.

There! From his vantage point, he spotted the rogue Gem in the midst of the rapidly growing castle. The columns were growing in complexity, random staircases were creeping just as high, and there were even sharp spikes beginning to dot the ground. Steven braced himself and jumped towards the nearest pillar, landing on it and ending up a few feet closer to the center. He continued at a slow pace until his foot slipped, and he found himself dangling off the side of a sideways column. Steven tried to climb back up, but the structure actively thwarted him, growing a ledge underneath his fingers and then snapping it off and sending him tumbling towards the spikes below.

 _Whoosh!_ Something blurred underneath Steven; he landed with an _oomph_ on something soft. He looked down, grateful and bewildered, and his eyes lit up with joy. "Lion! Are you trying to protect us from the pillow too?"

In answer, Lion roared. A yellow magical attack like a sonic boom tore out of his mouth and crumbled the nearest pillar to dust.

"All right!" Steven decided not to question that and tightened his fingers around Lion's mane. "Let's do this!"

Together, the half-Gem and his lion bounded through the storm. The Gem pillow seemed to be aware of their presence, and the structures that formed seemed to be clustered around them in a conscious attempt to slow them down. Lion was unstoppable - every one of his roars sent more sand disintegrating to the ground. He knocked a column over and agilely leaped up the side. He headed straight for the pillow in the very eye of the storm, but it was setting up defenses; sturdy walls that hid the Gem from view.

Undeterred, Lion hurtled straight towards their objective. Steven braced himself. At the last second, Lion roared enough to partially deteriorate the barriers, which broke down completely as Lion barreled through them himself. Steven managed to scoop the pillow into his arms as he went, and even as he sailed off Lion's back and onto the ground, the remaining structures were already shattering into piles.

Steven coughed the rest of the sand out of his lungs. Otherwise, he was unharmed and safely on the ground. The pillow remained clutched to his chest - he was afraid to risk it touching the ground again. Lion skidded onto the beach a few meters away.

All three of the Gems stuck their heads out of a huge pile of sand - the remains of the wall they had tried to get past. All Steven could do was chuckle nervously.

The first thing Lapis did was bubble the pillow out of Steven's hands. "There!" she pronounced with a quick glance at the others. "Safe as always, no harm done."

" _You_ should have done that in the first place," Peridot accused.

"In my defense? Water beds are too much fun."

"Hmph." Jasper crossed her arms and just _looked_ from Steven to Lion and back again. Unsure whether to apologize or avoid eye contact, Steven busied himself with saying goodbye to his friend.

"Uh, well...goodbye, I guess? It was fun...but the Gems won't let me keep you."

"Won't we?" Jasper repeated. "That lion's a natural warrior - I'd say it'd make a good sparring partner. Steven can always poof it if it gets out of line."

"What?!" Steven gasped, choosing to ignore the last part. "Did you hear that, Lion? We're gonna get to be friends forever!"

" _Rowf."_

"Jasper…" Peridot said insistently, forgetting about her squabble with Lapis. She wasn't quite whining, but it was close. "Are we really going to let him keep that hideous thing?"

Shrug. "We kept Lapis."

And Peridot laughed like crazy.

~*Q*~

 **A/N: That sure won't have a double meaning later on or anything!**

 **Hey, have you guys heard of that in-progress fan project? Some people are working to make a full-length animated episode of a Steven Universe episode with the Crystal and Homeworld gems swapped. Last I heard, they're still looking for a few voice actors, but I saw the teaser and it looks really good! I really like this sort of AU, even if mine has sort of a more realistic flavor to it. Sometimes I feel bad that Steven's not his cinnamon-bun self...**

 **Anyways. I kind of want to have another chapter done before the end of March, just to make it up to you guys. A lofty goal, but I didn't write a whole goshdarn novel for nothing! I do want to know your opinion, though, on which chapter should come next. It'll either be Arcade Mania or Giant Woman (and yes, I will be doing an OC Peridot/Lapis fusion! Thanks for your opinions!)**

 **See you when I see you!**

 **~*Akirys*~**


	7. Giant Woman (But With Lapis And Peridot)

**A/N: Welp. This chapter has been LITERALLY, LIKE, TWO AND A HALF YEARS IN THE MAKING. I have no excuse for why it's taken this long except that I've had trouble keeping up motivation for this concept. So many other people have done Momswap so much better than me!**

 **Also, think about how much stuff in the show has changed since I wrote the first chapter! We didn't even know what Peridot looked like without limb enhancers back then. And I was sort of putting off "Giant Woman" because I'd heard a rumor that a canon Lapis and Peridot fusion would make an appearance soon, but...yeah, that still hasn't happened.**

 **But at last, after this chapter has been written single paragraphs and sentences at a time, with months and months passing before I even opened up the document again, I sucked it up and finished it. I haven't edited it or anything, I just wrote the last words and came straight over here. SO I HOPE YOU ENJOY.**

 **~*Q*~**

It was rare that Lapis and Peridot got along on anything. Lapis liked to be as free and unrestrained as the water she controlled, so Peridot, who was neurotic and egotistical and very "stuff"-focused, tended to rub her the wrong way. But Steven could manage to unite them once in a while.

Today, Steven had convinced the two of them to sit together and play checkers. Unfortunately, Lapis didn't like board games, and Peridot hated all archaic Earth inventions on principle. As Steven sat next to them on the sand, he started to wonder whether this had actually been a good idea.

"Your move," Lapis said, chin in hand. Though they were a good ten feet from the ocean, some of the water was drawn to her every time the tide went out, and the ground was soaked.

"I know that!" Peridot snapped. She had been eying the game board for ages, occasionally muttering and reaching for a piece before snatching her hand back and muttering some more.

"Peridot, it's the third move. If you mess up now, I don't think-"

"Forget it! As if I'd even consider making a bad move against a clod like you." Lapis rolled her eyes.

Steven flopped over on his back. His shirt was damp with the sand sticking on it. "I think...this would have been more fun with water balloons."

"Yeah!" Lapis' eyes lit up. "That's a great idea!"

"You'd give _her_ such a blatant tactical advantage?" Peridot protested.

"Tactics? What, no. It'd be for fun." Peridot stared at Steven blankly. "You know, like, to make the stakes higher."

"The 'stakes' are not worth electrocuting my limb enhancers." Peridot leaned forward and picked up a piece.

"Finally," Lapis sighed.

Peridot eyed the game board. Then, fast as lightning, she made a motion so her fingers upended the board and caused most of the game pieces to skid into the sand. Peridot scooped up half of Lapis' army and sat back triumphantly.

"You cheated!" Lapis said immediately, glaring angrily at the other Gem.

"No, I simply moved the terrain to my advantage. And I win!"

"Stop being so obsessed with winning. It's just a _game!_ A game _I_ was winning!"

"Um...it's a tie?" Steven ventured hesitantly, trying to defuse the argument.

But Lapis, fed up, leaped to her feet. "I am _sick_ of your high-and-mighty-attitude, always taking everything too seriously, always whining about building robots and going back home - "

Peridot rolled her eyes. "Me? You never take _anything_ seriously! You just goof off all the time!"

"Well, you know what?" Lapis snapped. "This is why we never form _her."_

"Oh, don't you _dare_ bring Chrysocolla into this."

"What's Chrysocolla?" Steven asked, but his question was drowned out amidst their arguing. He had to yell to be heard. "Guys! What is Chrysocolla?"

Peridot immediately turned on Lapis again. "I thought we agreed we wouldn't talk about fusion in front of him!"

"Oh, forget it. Listen, Steven." Lapis dropped to her knees. Water swirled up to meet her hands, and she deftly formed it into the outline of a small person. "We Gems have a power called 'fusion.' We don't use it much because of some...bad experiences, in the past. But Chrysocolla is the result of these powers."

"But what _is_ it?" Steven repeated.

"Oh, she's just Peridot and I, mashed together."

Peridot made a scoffing sound to Steven's left. "Is a computer just a bunch of wires _mashed_ together?"

Steven and Lapis stared at her, and she rolled her eyes. "Fine, anyways. Chrysocolla is an _amalgam_ of Lapis' and my combined traits. Like me, she has strength, cunning, and excellent prowess over all things metallic in nature. Like Lapis...she can fly, I guess. Hey, stop that!" Lapis had separated her water figure into two tiny clones of Peridot and Lapis, and she was making the Peridot one dance something that looked like the Macarena.

Steen watched as the little Peridot spun in circles, the Lapis waltzing with thin air a few inches away. Something about the concept of fusion was thrilling to him. A superpowered lady formed by a cool dance with someone who liked you a lot? He'd take it!

"Are you gonna do it now?" Steven asked with a trace of excitement in his voice.

"What, fuse?" Peridot snorted, having given up on trying to electrocute her little water clone. "No way. Like we said, we've tried to put that behind us."

"Peridot's just not worth fusing with," Lapis said bluntly.

"No, but -" The chime of the warp pad echoed from the house, and Steven hopped to his feet as the others automatically turned to go inside.

"Must be Jasper," Lapis said, effectively closing the topic. "Let's get inside."

~*Q*~

"Jasper! Did you get me anything?"

"No."

"...oh."

"I found the beetles," Jasper said to Peridot and Lapis. "The lava lake and the Sky Spire. You two are going to the spire. Bring Steven."

"What?" Lapis blurted, just as Peridot complained, "Why?"

"Something wrong with that?" Jasper asked, scanning their faces. Both of them looked away. "Is this a fusion thing?"

"N-no!"

Jasper made a disgusted noise. "Keep me out of this one."

"Can't I go with you to the boiling lava lake instead?" Lapis asked.

"Nope. I'm the only one not wimp enough to handle it." Jasper cracked her neck and headed for the warp pad. "No offense. Steven, you're there to keep them from pushing each other off the tower. Have fun."

"Uh, okay!" The chime of Jasper warping away sounded, and Steven looked at Peridot and Lapis, who both looked dismayed at this turn of events. "So...you guys ready?"

"As long as Lazuli stays ten steps away from me," Peridot muttered, pinching the bridge of her nose.

The warp deposited them at the foot of the Sky Spire, and Steven's eyes lit up immediately. "Woah!" he exclaimed, craning his neck up at the huge, winding cliff. "Is that where the, um…"

"Heaven beetle," Peridot supplied.

"Heaven beetle guy is?"

"Yep," said Lapis. "All the way at the top."

The Gems began to trudge forward. Steven sensed an opportunity and ran to catch up with them. "So! When you fuse…"

Lapis winced. "Already?"

"...how big exactly is the giant lady?"

"Does it matter?" Peridot asked.

"Yes! These questions are important." Steven caught up to the others at the foot of a narrow staircase that wound its way up the cliffside. "This is kind of a lot of stairs…" he noted. "Does Chrysocolla do piggyback rides?"

"Absolutely not, but I could fly you up there and leave Peridot behind," Lapis suggested.

"No! Let's walk. I have to show Jasper than I can handle more missions like this."

"Thanks for ruling that out," Peridot grumbled. "Would've been nice to helicopter it." She and Lapis still didn't bother to fly, either respecting Steven's wishes or just figuring that it was easier not to argue. Steven could feel his legs getting tired already, but he decided to tough it out.

"So, if you eat a pork chop -" Steven started, but he was interrupted by a rustling in the bushes.

The Gems, weary but immediately on edge, stepped forward to shield Steven. Peridot started to charge her blaster, but Lapis, being too far away from a body of water to be of much use, just spread her wings like an owl puffing itself up to look bigger.

Something small and woolly hopped out of the thicket. A sheep stood there, calmly munching on a green mouthful of grass. Steven feigned a gasp and threw up his arms - "It's a monster! You have to fuse and kill it!"

"It's a sheep," said Lapis.

"O-oh, is it? I didn't notice."

"You did too!" Peridot snapped, relaxing her stance. "Steven, if you're going to bring up Chrysocolla over and over, we might as well just take you ho - _Ow!_ Hey! Stupid Earth mammal!" The sheep had nipped one of her floating fingers out of curiosity. Peridot, angry but not actually injured, scolded it furiously and yanked her limb enhancer back. The sheep bleated in confusion.

"Serves you right," Lapis said, crossing her arms.

Steven sighed deeply. "If these two keep arguing, I'll never get to see her," he mumbled, watching the Gems march up the mountain and bicker. As he started after them with only the sheep by his side for company, a soft breeze whooshed by, causing his hair to rustle...

 _~*Q*~_

" _All I wanna do, is see you turn into…"_

Steven was starting to think that Lapis and Peridot had more problems than just not liking fusion. They had more problems than just not liking each other.

He watched Peridot and Lapis climb up the cliff ahead of him. Peridot walked straight up it while Lapis climbed, using her wings for balance. Steven watched as Peridot casually kicked at the rock harder than necessary, showing Lapis with pebbles.

She was narcissistic and just plain snotty, sometimes, but she still found it in her to be kind to Steven. He could see the spark of fascination in her eyes whenever they went someplace new. And when Lapis was in one of her moods, Peridot was always the first one to approach her, even if she did it with sarcasm.

" _A giant woman, a giant woman…."_

Peridot splashed through a stream, using small rocks to keep herself from getting wet. All of a sudden, a wave roared out of nowhere and washed her into the river. Lapis laughed so hard she snorted as Peridot tried uselessly to shake the water off her tech.

Steven suspected that Lapis' giggly, bubbly exterior was just a front. He could see it whenever she sat by herself, staring out at the ocean. Her eyes were filled with tiredness and, try as he might, Steven couldn't engage her in anything. As much as she liked to mess with the humans around Beach City, it felt like Lapis didn't truly like anyone or anything on Earth outside of the Crystal Gems.

" _You might even like being together and if you don't it won't be forever…"_

When they crossed a bridge, Steven let his new sheep friend carry him over as Lapis and Peridot went on ahead. No matter how annoyed the two of them got, they never left each other's sides. It was like they preferred arguing with each other to being alone. Steven made a decision. He'd help them, and he'd figure out why they acted so weird all the time, and fusing would just be a really, _really_ cool natural second step of their relationship.

" _...all I wanna do is see you turn into a giant woman."_

~*Q*~

Peridot, Lapis, Steven, and Li'l Steven arrived at the summit of the Sky Spire. Steven held out for approximately four seconds before his legs collapsed.

"Oof," he said, then noticed that Lapis and Peridot were already leaving to check on the beetle. He scrambled to catch up with them.

The beetle was in a little beetle bedroom that was so cute Steven couldn't help but gasp in delight. "Look at this! It's got a little bed and everything!"

Li'l Steven baaed.

"That's great, but where's the beetle?" Peridot mashed her face against the tiny tower as if she'd be able to see it better.

"Why don't you keep sticking your nose in the tower?" Lapis mumbled. "You'll find it eventually."

" _Excuse_ me? At least _I_ am continuing to be the most important and helpful member of this team! You're just standing there doing nothing!"

"Not my fault the beetle isn't there," Lapis said angrily. "Why don't you quit acting like a little Earth gremlin?"

L'il Steven baaed again.

"I am not a - a garden gnome! How dare you suggest such a, a ridiculous concept -"

"I bet you'd look great with a red pointy hat on your head!"

The sheep was baaing nonstop now, and Steven rushed over to comfort her as the Gems bickered. Suddenly, the ground rumbled. A monstrous golden shape erupted into the sky. Steven lurched backward in shock as a gigantic bird spread its wings over the spire, then dove down and swallowed L'il Steven whole.

"My child!" Steven cried softly.

Peridot instinctively threw an energy blast at the bird. It snapped that up, too. Peridot squawked "HEY!" but Lapis was already dragging the both of them into the shelter of the spire.

"That thing is huge!" she gasped.

"This is great!" Steven said. "You can summon Chrysocolla and avenge Li'l Steven now!"

Both Lapis and Peridot looked at him.

"Bad time?" he said.

"No…" Lapis said, with infinite reluctance, as the giant bird started drumming against the roof of the shelter. "That might be our only option."

Steven plopped down to watch.

Peridot and Lapis stood in position facing each other. Lapis started to sway, moving her arms as if she were shrugging, but her movements were way more graceful. It looked like she was sliding over the floor like she was made of water. Her gem started to glow.

Meanwhile, Peridot tapped her foot three times, then started a jazz number. Her limb enhancers clicked in an impressively fast rhythm as she tap-danced in a circle and then over to Lapis, interrupting her smooth liquid dancing by grabbing her around the waist and whirling her around. White light encompassed the two of them as their forms started to shift and grow…

Suddenly, a _clack_ sounded as a metal limb fell to the ground. Then three more followed it. The blob of light burst like a stuck balloon as Peridot and Lapis landed in a tangle.

Peridot was the first to get up...except she was quite a lot shorter than Steven was used to. "My limb enhancers!" she yelled, wiggling her hands in front of her. "Come on, I don't wanna go without those!"

Lapis knocked her robot arm out of Peridot's hand as she tried to meticulously put them on again. "We don't have the _time_ to worry about that!"

"It wasn't gonna work anyways! What kind of dancing was that? You weren't even trying to be in sync!"

"Guys, please!" Steven pleaded. "Look, I'm sorry I tried to push you into this, but please, stop fighting. If you never get along we won't find a way out of here...and I'll get eaten by a giant bird!"

The roof directly over Steven's head fell in. The giant bird stuck its head inside the shelter and promptly ate Steven.

"STEVEN!" Lapis and Peridot cried.

But Steven was still in one piece. He yelped as he tumbled head over heels down the bird's giant gullet, which was fleshy and pink and studded with shards of crystal. He landed in a big pile of junk. Steven sat up and immediately heard a baa. Li'l Steven was okay!

"My baby! Hey, what are you eating?" He rushed over to the sheep and found that she was nibbling on something shiny and wiggling. "No, wait! Give it here!"

He started to wrestle with his new pet sheep, who was now quite insistent on eating what Steven was sure was the Heaven Beetle. "Bad Li'l Steven!" he scolded. "I'm going to put you up for adoption!"

Before Steven could say anything more, an enormous turquoise arm punched a hole straight into the bird's stomach.

Li'l Steven dropped the beetle with a bleat of shock. A second arm came through underneath the sheep, grabbing her and dragging her away. Steven was too surprised to yell when a third arm burst out of nowhere, grabbed him solidly around the middle, and pulled him out of the belly of the monster and into fresh air.

He found himself clutched in the grasp of an enormous, four-armed, blue-green being. She was hanging onto the bird's underside with two of her hands. Her hair, whipping violently in the gust of the bird's wings, fanned out around her head to form a familiar triangle.

"Ch-Chrysocolla?" Steven gasped, but his vision was obscured as the golden bird monster poofed into dust.

He felt a violent jolt as Chrysocolla landed back on the ground, her fall slowed by two wings that emerged from her back, shaped just like Lapis' but twice as large. She adjusted her visor - which was now curved in a way that resembled Lapis' bangs - and whispered "Cover your head!"

Then she took flight. The fusion launched herself straight into the cloud of bird dust, which hadn't dissipated, but reformed - into thousands of tiny, angry monsters that were nothing but yellow beaks with wings. Chrysocolla, barrel-rolling and corkscrewing, sped down the long spiral staircase, effectively focusing every one of the birds' attentions onto her and not on Steven's tiny form. They fled the top of the tower in a wave and chased her to the grassy field at the spire's base.

Only then did the fusion set Steven (and Li'l Steven) down. Chrysocolla faced the cloud confidently, ribbons trailing from her back, her long skirt flapping around leggings that looked like Peridot's. She motioned, and water poured out of the sea and into a sphere contained within her four raised hands. Then it shimmered and sparked and turned to liquid metal.

For a moment, Steven could only stare in awe at Chrysocolla's figure, outlined against glowing quicksilver, towering into the setting sun. The birds dove.

Chrysocolla fired. The blob of energy struck the center of the mass of enemies. With every monster it touched, the quicksilver sizzled and dissolved it to nothing. Like lightning, it jumped from enemy to enemy until the entire horde had disintegrated, leaving only the smell of saltwater and ozone.

Chrysocolla stretched as if satisfied, then turned. On his knees, Steven gaped up at her. She offered a hand.

Steven took it, suddenly timid. He let go quickly, and asked, almost in a whisper, "Uh...do you...know you I am?"

Chrysocolla stared at him for a beat.

Then she snorted. She started to laugh, and that quickly turned into a high-pitched cackle - just like Peridot's. Between gasps, she started to sing: "All you wanna do - is see me turn into -"

"A giant woman!"

~*Q*~

"We're back!" yelled Steven as they touched down on the warp pad in his own home.

Jasper turned. She was over by the kitchen, running her smoking hands under the tap. She still had her helmet on. Some of her hair was burned at the tips.

"Where's the beetle?" she asked.

Chrysocolla gasped. "I…oh my stars!" Then, so quickly that all Steven saw was a blob of white light, she fell apart. Peridot and Lapis fell on the ground, already starting to yell at each other. Peridot was still without her limb enhancers, since she'd left that at the Sky Spire too.

"I can't believe you forgot that bug!" Peridot said furiously.

" _Me?_ You were the one doing all those barrel rolls!"

"Hey!" Steven interrupted. "I have the beetle!" He pulled it out of his pocket. Lapis and Peridot were so surprised, they stopped arguing.

"Nice one." Jasper plucked the beetle from him. As Steven watched, she plopped the bug into a little terrarium with a second beetle, where they wiggled their antennae at each other politely.

"I also see you helped your teammates fuse," Jasper continued. Peridot blushed. Lapis blew some stray hair out of her face.

"And all I had to do was get eaten by a giant bird," Steven said. He was fairly beaming with pride. He'd never felt this accomplished.

"You'll be good at fusing one day too."

"Yeah…"

…

…

…

" _WHAT?"_

~*Q*~

 **A/N: Hey, it feels pretty great to have that uploaded! I guess you could say this story also represents my general improvement in writing skills from 2015 to 2017, since there's some stuff at the very beginning left untouched for two years.**

 **Also, yes, this is where I'm leaving the story off. I would rather confirm this story as finished instead of just keep it on hiatus forever. I hope you like what there is of it! You guys aren't missing much, but some ideas I'd had for the coming season: Peridot was going to lose her limb enhancers after "Steven the Sword Fighter;" Amethyst was going to be in Lapis' place for "Mirror/Ocean Gem," except she would be trapped in the Kindergarten, and Steven would heal her Gem so she could shapeshift away; and the reason these Gems are on Earth are because Rose's Rebellion was successful, and these three were banished to Earth while Rose remade Homeworld in her image.**

 **If you still want more Momswap, please check out "The Smothering," a _fanmade Steven Universe episode_ with the gems swapped just like in this story, except it's got an original plot and everything. It should be on YouTube and Vimeo.**

 **Catch you later...hopefully with some more stories, since now I don't have this one giving me an excuse not to start anything new!**

 **~*Akirys*~**


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